Truth Hurts

Adjusting

2007-07-15T22:16:00.000-04:00

Adjusting to Orlando really took some time. I didn't realize how home sick I would be, it rarely crossed my mind. I missed mom even though I talked to her more than twice a day. It was hard getting use to not seeing her face on a daily basis. We struggled with our relationship often, but I made it my business to overcome our troubles. I finally accepted my mother for who she was and found the beauty in that. I was constantly waiting for a change that possibly could not have happen. I have so much respect for her and I would never do anything to hurt her.

I am a work freak so finding a job was a must. I thought that I would not have a problem in that department but I was so wrong. I tried everything even Starbucks, but no one would hire me because they figured I would quit sooner than they wanted. The school system had a freeze so I was left chasing the wind trying to find any way to make some cash. My mom and dad shot me a few dollars here and there when they had it and that kept my head above water.

Soon I started substituting which eventually landed me to my present job now. It wasn't what I was looking for but at that time anything consistent was good enough for me. They brought me in under false pretenses, making me think that had intentions of paying me the salary of a teacher, but once I was in good and my probationary period was up, they dropped the budget bomb on me. Frankly it was so close to the end of the school year so I had no choice but to finish it out. But they knew how I completely felt about the situation and I made sure they knew it could never happen again.

As far a Orlando as a city...overall it OK. It is what I needed, a place with boundaries and curfews. LOL! I really don't like the fact that the city is so slow compared to Miami but I have learned to live with it. When I want to do some damage I just make a trip down to the MIA!!

I needed a change and I needed to experience life in a new area. When you change your atmosphere you change your outlook and your perspective on life. You see with new eyes! Exposure to different things has always helped people explore new and greater possibilities of life. I am so grateful for this opportunity for me as well as my daughter. I can't wait to see what's next!

From Dade County to Orange County!!

2007-07-13T18:57:00.000-04:00

I made two big leaps in my life at the same time. I moved out of my mother's house and I moved to a new city.

I moved to Orlando, Fl to continue my life and chase some dreams.

Moving was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel so free and bold. I'm able to make choices without the worry or fear of what my family would think. No more crazy looks and squinted eyes peering at me.

I love my independence and I am very proud of myself. Of course I was not singing this same tune a year ago when I first moved away.

My mother called every day and instructed me on what decisions I needed to make. She still had a hold on me and I didn't know how to nicely let her go. I have a problem hurting her feelings, so in turn mine continued to suffer. She is very controlling and opinionated, there is one way to do things and that is her way! No room for change. We are two different people that think and act diffirently and I accept that but it was very hard for her to understand. But slowly I claimed my life. I listened to her advise but I listened to God and followed him. And guess what he hasn't led me wrong yet.

I live with my best friend who is very generous and has been a blessing in my life. We help each other with our kids and other home life. It works but I struggle mentally because I still wanted to have my own place, my own rules and my own way of living. Some days are better than some and I continue to look for God's guidance. For a while I looked at my living situation as the person who was is need but one day I came to an understanding that just because my finance were not that good, it did not mean that I wasn't a blessing in her life. Maybe God put me here to bless her life and then he would work on mine. As a believer we do profess that we are his servants. So I dont mind serving him and doing his will becuase I have faith that when its my time he will bless me.

My day is sure to come. I have no fears.

Back Again!!

2007-07-13T18:24:00.000-04:00

It's been a very long time since I have sat to a computer and let my feelings flow. I left this site alone because I was angry at a friend of mines and this is where we socialized as well.

So much has changed in my life since then. So I think that I will pick something to share each entry and play catch up. Writing here is therapy for me because I am to search my mind and explore my deepest thoughts. I hope that my job and family life will not keep me away from the computer to much. But at the same token I wont let blogging consume my mind as well!

Well here goes!!!

2006-04-27T11:51:00.000-04:00

In most cases people say, "People do what you allow them to do".

I accept full responsibility.

When you are friends with person for a long period of time its never easy to forget them. In fact you can't.

I think about "her"(my best friend) and our relationship almost everyday. We struggled from time to time because we were two completely different people with similar views and opinions. Over time we learned to respect each other and we agreed to disagree.

In one day I went numb not knowing that it would be like this, we haven't been the same since.
I was dealing with a lot of pressure and instead of talking it out, I went silent. Maybe this was not the best choice but what's done is done.

We never intentionally hurt each other but many times found ourselves making up after misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It hasn't happened yet this time and there is no sign of when it's to come.

I love her and I miss sharing our dreams. But we were to vocal about our opinions to each other or not realizing the damage it could do to our friendship. It's not what you say, but it's how you say it. Think before you speak and some things are better left unsaid.

In most cases, no matter what has happened, I am usually the "bigger person" who makes peace and sets a new tone. But as usual when a person hurts me they see no wrong and never attempts to makeup. My thing is that when you know that you have hurt a person, intentional or unintentional, if you value the friendship you should try to make amends.

I'm tired and stretched out. A lot of people depend on me and expects a lot from me. But I wonder sometimes if they take account of my needs. And even though I am a strong person, my days get hard and my heart gets weary too. There are only two friends who have held me hand, hugged me during my sorrow or allowed me to lay my head in their laps when I needed to vent.

Funny thing is that I still love my friend and enjoy receiving news on her accomplishments. I am proud of her happy to see her dreams come true. I started blogging because of her and I still read her blog periodically. I realized today that I'm not listed on her blog list anymore. That's when I laughed and knew for sure it was over. I went for months at a time without posting and was threatened to be removed but it never happened (the benefit of being of friend).

Maybe this time apart is what we needed. Maybe it's the path that our lives was destined to take. Whatever the case, the love want die and the prayers won't cease. I thank God for her because she has impacted my life tremendously.

I finally made it!!

2006-04-26T14:33:00.000-04:00

I remember the rush I got at Ms.Tee's graduation and dreamed of when my day would come. I missed my graduation date twice! The first time I broke my foot and had to sit out a while. The second time a state mandated course that was not apart of my original course description held me back.

Well two graduation dates late I have finally made it. Due my time of illness I missed all the deadline dates for cap and gown and other senior activities. So I had no intentions to walk, of course, against the wishes of everyone I knew. All that mattered to me was a transcript that stated degree conferred.

To my surprise there was a cap and gown ordered for me and 7 graduation tickets. So I called "BIG RED" (mama) and told her that she had a graduation to attend. She is more excited than I am. I bet if they would let her wear the gown for me, she would.

Now all the butterflies are in my stomach and all those anxious feelings of graduation day were back. All the feelings that I thought I let go and suppressed were all back.
I'm happy and excited. A true feeling of accomplishment. And the funny part of this is that is just the beginning of what I have yet to accomplish.

WISH ME LUCK!!!!

one love

It's been a while....

2006-04-19T15:22:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I been to this spot.

I have been sick for the past two months. Stressed and overworked from two full time jobs, my body completely shut down. I feel much better now but I have to take medication everyday for my new case of asthma.

I have made some new goals and have already started on making them happen. I am at peace with myself and still working at becoming the woman and mother that I want and need to be.

During the two months I had some time to think and make changes. Its amazing how much I learned about myself and other people during this time. One thing that I really have to get over is the fact and the realization that I am in this alone (besides my mother). Only two of my friends helped me out during this time. Two or three called and checked to see if I was getting better but never made an offer to help. Not even a visit or to come scoop me or my little one for an hour. Then I asked myself how good of a friend/family member have I been? Answer: As good as I could have been. Even with a full life I still made time and for family and friends. I don't regret a moment of it either, its who I am and what everyone expects of me. Oh well, that's how life is... some people are the givers and some people are the receivers!

Anyways! I hope that all who reads this is blessed and happy!

ONE LOVE!

Somebody calling me Mama?

2006-02-15T14:34:00.000-05:00

The day I learned that I was pregnant was a gloomy day. My pregnancy was definitely unplanned,unexpected, and unwanted. I was 20 years old and at the prime of becoming an adult and a woman. I had no cares in the world and I lived day by day as I pleased. I also had just got an acceptance letter from Florida State University. Since that very day my life has not been the same. My boyfriend at the time and I always used condoms so this was really a hard pill to swallow. When discussing the news with him he told me that he knew the condom broke and getting me pregnant is what he wanted.

He never liked the idea of me leaving away to college and this was his way of keeping me from leaving. My heart sunk to my stomach as he continued to talk and I began to cry. He made promises to take care of me and the baby and that I didn't have to worry about a thing. I believed him and I trusted him but in the back of my mind I hated him for betraying me and taking advantage of what I had yet to learn about men, sex and condoms.

A week later he asked me to move in. I couldn't face my mother so the day she left for vacation I took what I could and moved in. It didn't last but three days. He totally switched out on me and turned into a controlling maniac. Telling me where I could or couldn't go and when I could eat in "HIS HOUSE". I was in over my head and didn't have that many rules at my mamma's house. So on the third day when he left for work I gathered all that I had, called a cab and went back home before my mother even knew I was gone. I guess he has hated me ever since because he hasn't kept any of those promises of being a good father and providing for his child.

Which brings me to this point. Being that I was not ready nor prepared mentally for a child, I'm steadily trying to get on track. Trying to make the right decisions and be a good mother. It takes time to change, learn and mature and along with growing comes mistakes. My outlook and motherhood has changed over the past six years. Things I used to do I don't want to do anymore I'm trying to be better and wiser. I don't want my daughter to make the bad choices I made. I'm becoming a new example a better example. What gets to me is the guilt I have for the past mistakes really one in particular.

At the time I really had the right idea but I went about it the wrong way. I wanted to settle down, so I dated and when I got comfortable I let some, not all, meet her. Before long the relationship ended and they were gone. During the times we were all together I made sure that we acted appropriately so that she would not model bad behavior. My daughter is my first priority and I never let any guy come before her or her needs. And as soon as I realized that I was dealing with someone who didn't fit the bill he was out with no second guessing.

Being a good mother has always been a priority for me and a slight struggle to make sure I'm doing it right. I hope that I'm not late and haven't affected my daughter's life in a negative way!

One Love!

2006-02-09T11:26:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I had the opportunity to grace this place. I kind of miss it but I really didn't have much to say. I caught up on my readings and find it very uplifting to my soul. Reading most blogs is inspiring and uplifting, just what my soul needed.

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"Why do you always seem to attract guys that are needy?"

That question was asked of me recently and it has been in my head ever since, almost haunting me. To top it off, I couldn't answer it, and I have been searching my mind to find the answer.

I know what kind of man I would love to have in my life, but for some reason that type of man is not interested in me. That tall, dark and handsome, intelligent, sincere, kid loving and intuitive man doesn't look my way. That independent and spontaneous man doesn't see this short, dark skinned, thick and professional woman. I'm the last one that gets flirted with and by then there's nothing left but that needy nicca looking for his next come up. There was a time in my life when I believed in them and their so called dreams. I believed that we could come up together and make things happen.I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. But time after time it seemed as if I was the only coming up and the only one giving.

It was never my dream to have this situation. I didn't wake up and say that I was gonna pick the worst baby daddy and be happily ever after. I never wanted this for myself but constantly I struggle with people and the perception of me. I had made a conscious decision to move forward but a couple of days ago a hit another low. I have struggled daily since then. I now realize that the devil is busy and was unhappy of my spiritual progress. It's okay because like the song says "WE FALL DOWN BUT WE GET UP".

I'm a fighter and I realize that my journey will not be easy. That's why God gave it to me because he knows that I will overcome and I will survive.

I am slowly trying to shift my focus and find a new dream or hobby. I'm not giving up on having a husband but I feel that the focus has on having one has overtaken me. Maybe my dreams were to simple and I accomplished them. Maybe I need to dream some more.

Whatever God has for me is for me and when he's ready for me to have it then I will get it!!

All Smiles!!

2006-01-27T12:43:00.000-05:00

For the past few days I have been reflecting on my past relationships and I realized that I am not the same person anymore.

Lets just say that there was a time (not that long ago) when I would date the most unlikely and undeserved guys. I had hit rock bottom and I thought that I couldn't get better and decided to accept bulls**t. I'm not ashamed but just disappointed in myself of the careless choices I have made along my years.

As an adult I can no longer blame my circumstances (family and baby daddy) and I had to take control and get a grip. I no longer make the decisions, I allow God to have his way. I thank God everyday for pulling me out of my self made pit. I see with new eyes and with a new outlook and perspective.

I am so proud of myself. I am proud of the woman that I am becoming. As I continue to work on me with the help of God, he continues to work out the circumstances in my life. I now know that I deserve greatness and that I will be blessed with all things that I desire. I just have to continue with this patience and in time it will all come.

All my friends are so happy and making their dreams come true and its very exciting to feel this happiness and peace. I know that what I went through has only prepared me to appreciate my coming blessings. I won't forget my struggles and will think twice before ever turning back!

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This weekend I have to buckle down and grade papers! This is the worst part of teaching. I really need to find a better way to manage this, because the papers are stacked.

I think that I will enjoy a movie this weekend!
Big Mama's House 2
Hoodwinked
Last Holiday

A pretty good selection to choose from. Anything for the lil one to enjoy.

Enjoy the weekend and treat it like its the last one!

During the Calm...

2006-01-23T11:26:00.000-05:00

This weekend was very peaceful and fun in laid back type of way. Early Saturday morning I went to take a math test for my certification. I passed, thank you God!

Being that I was in such a good mood I took the afternoon to relax and enjoy a rare and tender moment of family. My mom had a sip of coconut rum and orange juice and she was feeling rather good. My sister-in-law came by and Mr. B, my mothers boyfriend did also. We were all in fun spirits so we listened to some music and had a few laughs. I wanted to escape to enjoy the company of a friend, so the little one and I got dressed and left the old folks to some needed peace.

We ended up going to Sunset in South Miami only to the surprise of too many people! Where did all these teenagers come from and who has all this money for them to spend? When I was a teenager we frequented the Omni Mall and Theater and I only had $15 or $20 dollars, on a good day. That was bus fair, the movie ticket and a meal from the Burger King or Checkers that was directly across the street. I felt so old and out of place around all those kids. Really after being around kids throughout the week, I try hard to be away from them on the weekend.

We purchased tickets an hour and fifteen minutes before the movie started so we could grab a bite to eat. Due to the extreme amount of people we took a seat at Johnny Rockets and enjoyed a fast meal. When entered the theater, there was no room to sit. The movie hoppers had beat us there and I refused to sit two rows away from the screen with my five year sitting on my lap. On top of that deal with the rude and loud crowd talking through the movie. REFUND PLEASE!!
Got the money back and had to listen to the non-understanding five year old whine about not seeing a movie. After five minutes of explaining she finally gave up and we played a few video games before leaving. My friend and I were tired anyways so not seeing the movie didn't bother us a bit. Our mood had changed when we first got there and saw all those people we both wanted to do a U-turn.

All in all we enjoyed our short outing and ended the night with some Dairy Queen. What a treat!

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I can honestly say that I have been so happy lately and it's great being in the company of God's grace.

Random Thoughts

2006-01-17T10:29:00.000-05:00

Today there is nothing particular that is on mind that I need to express. But there are a few things that are floating around that may develop along.

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Income tax returns may be the only savings account some people will ever have.

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My computer finally gave out! Now my situation is that I want to replace it immediately but I will moving this summer and not having one would be one less thing to pack!
This will be some miserable months without private personal access!

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While reading Ms. Tee blog I realized that we have similar dreams but on a different level. Yes I want a family and kids and would be satisfied if God blesses me with a middle/upper class income. But if he blesses me with more I'll take it too. I also want to help and impact lives but it doesn't have to be on a grand scale but more on a "Pay it forward" type of way. Where as I touch a life, that person in return will pass the blessing and someone else's life will be affected in a positive way. Our only difference is money but that's no big deal. When she makes the big money I will go lay next to her huge heated pool when I need a break from my real life! LOL!

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As I watched the news on yesterday, it seems as if people of all races support the parades and dedications to Dr. King more than people in Miami. It bothers me a bit because with the melting pot that we have here in Miami, the Hispanic community should love Dr. King just as much as we do. Without Dr. King they would not be able to be where there are today in the United States. A Hispanic teacher at my school taught a lesson about Rosa Parks without mentioning her name and saying that she was crazy woman who decided that she didn't want to give up her seat on a bus and went to jail. That was her intro to the kids to Dr. King. I work at a school where the majority of the students are Hispanic and when asked who was Dr. King they stated that he freed the slaves. So that leaves me stuck and disappointed. Every other culture is in infused throughout the text books and we have a small section that has been the same since I was in grade school.

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I really enjoy seeing the things that made me excited as a child excite my daughter. She loves the MLK parade just as much as I did when I was growing up. She loves eating a bunch of junk food and buying poppers and spray cans. I live through her happiness because it brings the old feelings in my heart that I used to feel. For a moment I don't think about bills, work or relationships. For a moment I escape reality without alcohol or drugs, a pure natural high of happiness. How do you get your natural high?

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PERSONAL FOOD FOR THOUGHT!!!

Throughout the madness that I experienced and suffered during my childhood from my parents, they gave enough good for me to turn out successful!

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings!

2006-01-13T10:31:00.000-05:00

I should be happy that today is Friday, and I am, but today is just one of them dayz! My eyez are swollen and my nose is stuffy. My sinus problems are flaring up!

I had a down day yesterday, memories and the pain from them had me feeling low.

I think too much! I worry too much! I care way too much!

The devil is disgusted with my joy so he reminded me of my pain and my inner most sorrows. But I will not succumb to the pressure. He won't steal my joy.

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At nite I work at drug and alcohol rehabilitation treatment center. Imagine everyday being bombarded with everyone else's troubles, heartaches, joys and pains. I have my students that I deal with also. They depend on me for all the things they feel they don't get from home. Imagine everyday of your life, that your emotions shift up and down because people confide in you and trust you with their inner most pain. Imagine that when you are at your lowest point, you still must shine and smile and be a confidant, a friend, a counselor, a mother to the motherless, a sister to the sisterless, and the closest thing some people will ever get to a bible.

I love my jobs and I love people. And for some reason they love me. They see the beauty in me that I sometimes can't see. But it gets hard sometimes because my mind deals with so much and it can get overwhelming. I know that this is what God has for me to do, because it comes with ease, sometimes without thought. I place my feelings and troubles aside for over a hundred kids a day and at least two hundred clients at nite! Dealing with what I deal with is not something everyone can do, and I thank God for his presence in my life. Without him I would melt down.

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LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!!!!
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I just realized that all those things that I went through, I had to go through, to be able to reach others and understand their pain. You don't know a person's struggle, until you have walked in their shoes. When I went through the phases of my life I thought that they would never end and I couldn't see my purpose on earth. I felt low and unwanted, I felt like a failure! I didn't see the difference or the impact that I would make. But it all make sense now!

I gotta pray now so that I can let go of the shame and the hurt that I carry in my heart! Gotta give God the praise and glory and ask for more understanding of my purpose!

I feel like the caged bird. I understand the song it sings! I understand it's struggle and I feel it's JOY!

Listening to Alicia Keys: Songs in A Minor
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Happy Birthday Dr. King. Thank God for you and your purpose and the difference you made in the World. Thank you God for all the people who fought for our struggles and for those who continue the fight today!

Be safe and enjoy this holiday weekend!!!
One Love!!

Blessed by his GRACE! My turning point!

2006-01-11T13:10:00.000-05:00

One day I woke and realized that I wasn't happy.

Living situation
Work
Life
Motherhood
Self Image

So I made a decision to make some changes!
I could no longer continue this path and I no longer could use any excuses on why I was still in the situations I was in. I needed to stand up and allow God to bless me! I changed my way of thinking and I no longer let people's view of me and my choices, control me.
Forever I was living to please my family and in secret living an undesirable life. Allowing men to grace my presence and benefit from me, who weren't worthy of the time. My gift became my curse. Being nice has gotten me no where, with relationships and some friendships!
Holding my tongue has only gotten me grief. I lived by the motto, "do unto others as you would have them to do unto you." I lived with a heavy conscious that hurts when others hurt. So I kept my silence and slowly started changing. Then that person would notice the difference in me and in turn place me at fault and blame me for the problems. In reality they were the problem, my fault was being WEAK (foolish, dumb, soft and/or pushover or whatever it may be to you)!

It's true that if people continue to tell that you are undeserving and put you down, then you begin to believe it yourself. I lost hope, believing that I wasn't good enough to have the man of my dreams, so I begin to settle. I hate to say it but finding a good man (that's not already married) seems to be close to impossible in Miami. The mentality that some guys have here is so played out. I was foolish to fall in such a trap and mentality. But everything happens for a reason. I have grown and learned from my trials and tribulations. I had faith but I didn't believe that I deserved happiness. I believed that I was paying for my sins! What I forgot was that God is a forgiving God. I struggled with good and bad, like I was being pulled by both arms in different directions. The devil has a way of making bad things look so good, and that how he trapped me. I was living my life being young and having fun, blind to the damages!

Well I hit my boiling point. I realized that if I kept doing the same things over and over again then my life would stay idle. I would be stuck, dealing with the same bull just a different person and/or a different place. I no longer wanted to live and miss out on my blessings because I was making the choices instead of allowing God to have his way. Every since that day in December, that I made the choice to let God lead the way, everything has been going uphill. I am happy again. I don't have a heavy heart anymore and I have cut all the extra baggage that I had been carrying. I forgave the people who brought pain into my life and I handed it to God. I let it go! I am making choices that will now benefit my future for my daughter and I. I am now thankful for the experiences because I now know that I will appreciate my blessings and they will mean that much more to me. I won't take my blessings for granted and I will remember where I came from and where I've been.

I have more goals to accomplish and with this new state of my mind I will reach them. Those invisible chains I am no longer bond to. I am free! I am happy. Blessed and highly favored! I am destined for greatness and I believe it with all my heart. Times will get hard and trouble will come but I will be able to stand. Nothing and no one will steal my joy, because God is with me and he forever will be.

Those rain clouds that have been over my head are gone. I see with new eyes and I feel with a new heart. What I learned that was most important is that...

GOD HAD ALREADY FORGIVEN, I HAD TO FORGIVE MYSELF!!

God is not through with me yet, he's building me, changing me and restoring me piece by piece!
And I will be forever grateful!

Got put to the Test!

2006-01-10T12:40:00.000-05:00

In a previous post I mentioned that while on vacation in CO I ran into a classmate from highschool. What I haven't mentioned is that we have been keeping in touch and I will be going back to visit him in Feb.
Well this weekend I didn't hear from him but I didn't think much of it because for 1 he's not my boyfriend so there's no rule that we have to call each everyday. 2 He's in the army and he works long and crazy shifts. But when Monday came I still hadn't heard from him I got a lil worried because the last conversation we had was on Friday and he went out to the club and told me that he would call the next day. So now my mind is racing...Is he okay cause he hangs with some fighters? Did he decide that he couldn't handle the distance and move on? Did he lose his phone at the club? Or maybe he's away in the field? I'm sure you get the picture.

Now my old habits start to creep in my mind! I had decided to turn a new leaf in Dec about dealing with guys and just working on me and allow God to do the rest. So now in my mind I'm like, I could call a booty call and have things set up in two minutes. I don't know what dude is doing he could be telling me anything, is the thought that ran through my mind.
So I have this battle in my mind of getting with my booty call or just going home cause this is just a test of my faith. I decided to go straight home because I felt that this was just a test and that I would definitely get my call today!

Well, I PASSED MY TEST, I got my call early this morning while dressing for work. Most of my thoughts were true. He did lose his phone but his friend found it in his car and yesterday he had a long day at work and went home and went to sleep.

I have to accept his answer(excuse) as the truth because he really doesn't have to lie to me. He doesn't have to call me everyday I just got used to some form of communication (call/text) everyday or every other day. I figure it this way, if he is perpetrating then, it will all be revealed in due time and I will be able to move on with no hesitations. I'll give him a fair chance like I do everyone I deal with (male or female) once they break the trust then it's damn near hard to ever get it back! I will not play the fool ever again!

To each his own!

Keeping it Real!

2006-01-10T12:22:00.000-05:00

I know that this may be T.M.I. (to much information) but I just have to share.

I hate to get the bubble guts while I'm at work. The bubble guts usually leads up to doing #2!
Who wants to do the #2 while at work. Taking a shit at work makes me feel like I lost some dignity and it feels so un-lady like. At other jobs I would leave on lunch break or use some excuse to leave and do it in the privacy and comfort of my own home. Well at this job, the drive home is a least 20-25 minutes away, taking the short cuts and back streets. So I had to break down today and shit at work.

So I'm the stinky lil lady who lit the restroom up today. Thankfully no one was in the hallway when I existed. I was nice enough to use air freshener that I keep in my classroom, so no one has to hold there breath while using the restroom. It's bad enough you have to smell your own shit but its down right heart aching to smell someone else's.

For the rest of the day I will be feeling uneasy because I didn't get to shower or do a quick washoff (so no skid marks would be left)! LOL

No more Starbucks Frappuccino and blueberry bagels in the morning! I guess they didn't agree this morning!

~Just keeping it real!

2006-01-06T14:59:00.000-05:00

Being a teacher is very draining. Being an Exceptional Student Education (ESE) teacher is 3 times harder. It's very hard trying to teach students who have difficulties learning and major behavioral problems. And to top it all off they don't want to learn and they have all the excuses why each day is not a their day! I love children and at times I love teaching but as the days pass I wonder how long am I gonna survive in the school system. The energy and excitement that I use to possess has all turned to routine because you know what to expect everyday; students with rude attitudes and lack motivation to learn!

Anyways...

The old crew Tam, Tee, and Anna hooked last night at Iguana's. It was Ladies Nite and the drinks were free after the initial $10 fee. WHHAATT!!! If I wasn't getting observed today at work I would have had to stumble out the club. I know that Ms. Tee is gonna write a massive blog about the reunion so my I won't elaborate to much. All I have to say is that liquor liberates Ms. Tee. She was hilarious, my stomach was aching with laughter. While on the dance floor guy1 slips his card to Tam and we start cracking jokes immediately, and Tee edges him on to dance with Tam. Well at the same time another dude was on the prowl for Tam ( as half the dudes in the club were). He slipped between guy1 and Tam and made his move, totally blocking out guy1, like he wasn't even there. Tee gave guy1 this look of disgust, took his business card from Tam, handed back to guy1 and told him, "Get this back and tighten your game up!" Guy1 tried to play it off at first and tried to slip his card back in Tam's pocket but when he looked into all are laughing faces, he retreated. Guy1 was on the dance floor looking like he was about to cry and after the song was over he walked off with his chin his chest. The other dude held his head high as he saw what he accomplished!

I really enjoyed being with my girls again and can't wait to the next time. Tam and have been friends since middle school and we both Tee in highschool. We have been friends ever since with several threats over never being friends again. A simple task that we have not accomplished yet! I love my girls!

Have a good weekend!

Oh yeah how about the National Championship on Wednesday! It was an amazing game that had my attention from beginning to the end. Congrats to Texas for winning! Two times for their quarter back who kept his cool and did the damn thing. I can totally appreciate a good and hard fought game by two amazing teams! Now I'm ready for the Super Bowl!

2006-01-04T11:51:00.000-05:00

Last night while at work I had the chance to catch the Orange Bowl game. Florida State and Penn State kickers have both went down on the NFL draft!!

I also talked to Ms. Tee! At first I was nervous that my entry yesterday was going to have us fighting. I sometimes don't write with clarity and things can be taken out of context. But who am I? Just a an ordinary person with an opinion, which has no affect on anyone's life but my own!

I hate to see my friends in pain, their pain is my pain. I wish that I could heal their broken hearts and beat down the people that bring them misery. My post was not a diss to Ms. Tee just an outlet to reveal that we all bear similar struggles. I really have a hard time sharing advice because I feel that my situations are jacked up in some areas and I'm looking for solutions too.
All and all we are still friends and just came to another understanding of each other. No harm intended and I pray that none was taken!

Its amazing to see how our opinions of each other affect us so much!

Stepping Up and Speaking Out!

2006-01-03T11:45:00.000-05:00

I feel awful as a friend because I feel as though I have let Ms. Tee down.
This is what I feel I should have said some time before...

Tee,
It's like this. We have been friends for so long and I learned to guard my statements from you. I no longer wanted to argue with you or disagree for the sake of our friendship. So I am careful of what I say so that it won't upset you or hurt your feelings. I also don't believe in giving advice on situations where I struggle at also. I have an awful baby daddy, who thought that verbal and mental abuse would bring me down. He talked to me like I was the shit beneath his shoe when I only tried to be nice to him and work things out in the best interest of our child. To this day he still does not provide for my daughter willingly nor is he on child support. I have been criticized from day one for not putting him on child support. I have lost the closeness with certain people and their help because I made that choice but I can live with it.

Tee I decided to take a stand. If I waited on him or the government to feed my baby she would have been dead. So before she was even three months I got on the grind and got a job and a car. Yes I live with my mother and it made a lot of my pressures easier but it added more fuel to the fire. I don't look for anything from him and no one else for that matter. If I had to cry and sweat blood to care for her I will. If I had to live in my car or unlikely conditions I will. I will never ever take the abuse from him, another man nor my mother as I have did before.

I am blessed to have people in my life that care for me and my child and I thank God for them. I thank God everyday for my blessings.

Tee I admire you and your courage. I really remember how you lived by faith never letting a bill or any other thing bother. You trusted that the Lord would provide a way, and he did, time after time. It seems as though you forgot how God blessed you back in the days financially when people would just hand you over checks stating that the Lord laid it on their heart to do so.

Now, when you are ready for a difference in your life, things change. People can give you advice all year but until you are tired of being sick and tired, only will things change. Your prayers are being heard but are you giving it to God or are you still caring on as if he can't help you. Do you believe like you used to that he will make a way?

My opinion doesn't matter but maybe it may work for you, maybe not. What worked for me may not be the route that God has for you. But this is what I did.
I let him go! I stopped asking him for money, stopped crying at night like it was my fault that he was a bad father. I got a job, at times two and still accepted the blessings that God gave me through family and friends. I stopped forcing my baby on him asking him if he wanted see her and asking him to baby sit. See, he got his joy out of being able to say NO and thinking that I needed him. Now the sucker can't look my way because without cutting his tires, breaking his windows, showing out at his job (home, friends and family,etc), not putting him on child support and constant prayer, I made him feel less of a man. I accepted the fact that I was a poor judge of character and worked daily to overcome my shortcomings or should I say my weaknesses. I try hard not to stress about the triumphs of my life. Daily I learn to love and accept myself, my body and my looks, good and bad. Recently I forgave myself, for all the horrible decisions I've made when it came to men and I will no longer SETTLE. I also accepted the fact, that no matter how many times I have messed up that I do deserve a good man because indeed I am a good woman and any man who GOD has for me will blessed to have me as a wife.

I gave it to God and I left it there. Tee you must seek God and follow your heart and do what you believe God has you to do. My way may not be the way and as a friend I respect all your decisions even if I don't agree with them. I learned that a long time ago.

My mama used to teach me as a young girl to never let them see you sweat. No matter how you are feeling on the inside, smile on the outside. And dealing with my baby daddy she continued to teach me that. She told me to never let him see me looking rough, put on some clothes and comb your hair! No matter how bad it is he should not see it. And it worked I shine whenever I see him and act as if I don't have a care in the world and all I see is a puzzled look in his face. Yes brother I'm happy, your daughter is happy, well dressed, feed and is being exposed to traveling to different places in and outside of Florida. Yes we are surviving without you!

Tee, except who and what he is! And do what you need to do! The more you push him to do(yes the shit that he should automatically do), the more bad he will have to say. Show him the strong and good mother that everyone else sees. Take some time to do some things that you normally don't do. Stop being scared and/or lazy and show more effort in getting what the boys need. Step out on FAITH and believe that God will provide whatever you need! I love you!

Post your thoughts directed to me in the position of a friend!
One Love!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2006-01-02T10:53:00.000-05:00

WOW!
I had a wonderful vacation and I wish it didn't have to end so soon.
For Christmas I had the opportunity to visit my father and family in Colorado Springs, Co. It was so beautiful and so relaxing. The mountains were tranquil and cold, soothing to the heart.
I really needed this break. Not having to go to either of my two jobs, at the same time, was just what the doctor ordered. No pressure, just fun and relaxation. I didn't sleep my days away though, because my active 5 year old made sure that she had the time of her life also. Making a snow angel was first on her list and she dived right in. First time for her in the snow and you would have thought that she was a pro. My dream vacation would be similar but less the kid. I love her but I need a vacation from being a mother for a few days too.

The highlight of this trip was the fact that of all the places to visit, I actually ran into a guy that I went to high school with. I never thought that I would run into another black person from Miami in Colorado. Turns out that he is in the Army and was stationed there this past August. We had a blast together hanging out and catching up on old times. We decided to keep in touch and I will be visiting him again next month!

Now back to reality, I'm back at work! Back to congested highways and humid air! Back to the hood where gun shots rang as soon as the sun went down on New Year's Eve. Back to peeping out my window making my car is still there. Back to wondering if the shots I hear are from people still celebrating the New Year or has another soldier been taken. Back to praying for peace!

I happy right now and looking forward to the coming future. Nothing to hold me back now!

Free to be me!

What Do I Want?

2005-12-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

After a fun conversation with Ms. Tee I always re-evaluate. She keeps me on my toes with her honesty, love and true concern.

So what did I learn from this conversation?

That I may not be ready for a relationship or there is great possibility that this is not the guy for me. In the past few days a couple of Tee's friends announced their engagements. My question to Tee was "How did they know that he was the one"? "They just knew", she replied. They knew what they wanted in a man and when the man came, they knew it was him. No second guessing and no mind games.

That's when I realized that if I had to keep questioning myself about the guy that I have been talking to these past months, then maybe he's not the one. Honestly there is nothing about him that makes me feel that he is so wonderful, he's just okay. In other words, better than the last.
I know in relationships you have to grow but I don't want to continue to teach men how to treat me.

I want a man who knows his role and acts on it.
I want a man that I can learn from and who can show me a part of life that I have not experienced before. I can take myself to a movie and for a walk on the beach. I know that they say it's the little things that count, but don't forget the bigger things.
I want a man who is established and experienced.
I need a man who is willing and able to be a father figure to my daughter.
I want a man that, when I look into his eyes or while I watch him while he sleeps, I adore him and be happy that I with him. Not shaking my head and wondering why in the hell I'm with him. And last but not least, I need a man that can and will satisfy my sexual desires.

So I will patiently wait for him and in the mean time continue to work on me. So when he comes I will be ready, no questions about it.

Who's to Judge?

2005-12-13T10:30:00.000-05:00

Stanley "Tookie" Williams was executed earlier this morning under a convition from in 1981. My post is not about if it was wrong or right just about the thoughts that came to my mind when I heard of the case.

From what I understand he was the co-founder the Crip gang that started in Cali. That he was convicted of several murders and then changed his life while in prison. He then wrote childerns books about the dangers of gangs.

My thoughts were:

If the victims were my family members, would I want him to die?
Is it up to us to say if a person lives or dies?
Did he think of the lives of the people he murdered and their families?
If not, then why should his life be spared?
Everyone knows the possible consequences when breaking the law, so they should except resposibility and pay the price?
How does it feel to know that in a matter of seconds your life will be over and isn't that punishment enough?
Isn't the purpose of jail for rehabilitation?
Even though he has changed his life, what he started with gangs will affect our lives forever.

Cases like this always stir me up because you can easily understand boths sides and their wants.
I just pray for all families that suffer from the case directly. I also pray for the families that were affected indirectly by gangs over the years.

Peace in the Hood!
R.I.P. (MIA)
Ken (cuz), Trenton, Uncle Al, Ranzor, Bernard, Willie, 3J and the rest of my boys who were murdered because of the streets! Too many to name!

The Movies!

2005-12-12T15:14:00.000-05:00

I had the opportunity to see two movies this past week. Get Rich or Die Tryin and Rent!

I am a movie freak so I think both were great!

Since I was already familiar with the story of 50 cent, via his music, it was enjoyable to see things beyond my own imagination.

Now RENT on the other hand was amazing! Due to the fact the most people may not have seen it yet I won't go into details. But the issues that were touched in the movie so many years ago are now heavily dominated in our society now. I can only believe that during its realm as a stage play, it was not accepted easily and brought about much controversy. I can only appreciate the courage of the writer and the actors to put those issues out there and make society face the truth. I greatly appreciated this musical and recommend it to other adults.

The Struggle Continues

2005-12-12T11:21:00.000-05:00

I struggle from time when I'm in relationships because of my family. The problem is that I don't want to be like them. Cheaters. The sad part is that I can cheat if I chose to because it's easy and I know how to get away with it. I won't go into to detail on how but I know that most of it is second nature and the rest comes from being a witness to it for so many years.

I feel as if it a generational curse, because I have not witnessed my family members be faithful until old age has sat in.

The reason I feel that it is in me, is because I can be in a pretty good relationship and still look for more. As though I'm never truly satisfied or always looking for more(better). But then I look back at the few that I dated and I can see why I was always looking for more.
I want to be in a relationship where I feel that there is no more than what I already have. I want to be faithful and have a family. I want to look at my man and say that he is my everything and I want a man that can express the same to me. I know that no one is perfect and that I have to accept the good with the bad and I'm able to handle that but only with someone that is deserving. And the good must outweigh the bad.

I'm seeing a guy right now that is younger than me. This means that he has to grow and that I must give him that room to grow. But what scares me is the possibility, after giving him the room and space, he doesn't make adequate progress that I may feel I need from a man. We have had our differences but he has stepped up to the plate and made the changes that were needed. He is fun and outgoing as myself but he lacks the exposure. Age is a larger factor in maturity but I know men in the late twenties and early thirties who still act like 5 year olds.

So I try to ignore the age and focus on what matters the most. Love, honesty and ability. I feel that he loves me and I know that he has the ability to be great and I haven't caught him in a lie but I still have a trust issue. In time the trust issue will get better.
I struggle with commitment now and I put him through so much, things I should have done to the others before him. This time I'm focused on doing things the right way and standing up for myself. I have been told to let things just flow and see where it goes....I'm afraid that the flow may not work and that two years from now I will be right where I am now. In my heart the only thing I know to do is pray about it and allow God to work in my life.

So with that I wonder if I should let it all go focus only on the man above and see what happens next? With that I then ask myself, "Is this the guy that God has for me"? My usual prayer is, "God if this man is not for me, send me a sign and just let it fall apart. Have your way." And when I say that prayer it works. That smoky cloud that masks your ability to see a person for who they really are, gives way and I let them go. The problem with that is sometimes I wait to long to say that prayer. You can just imagine what I go through during those times.

Well I said that prayer three times with this one and he hasn't left yet...it's been almost six months. What is a girl to do?

Tales of a Sister

2005-12-12T10:50:00.000-05:00

My brother got married three months ago to a young lady that he dated on and off for five years. At first I was not happy because up until his marriage my baby brother looked out for me. But I have to step aside for his wife and allow her to be the one that he talks to for comfort. The debit card I used to keep for him and the business I used to handle for him is now all for her to do. My brother is completely my best friend and now as the bible says he has to be one with his wife. I feel like I'm losing my best friend...

Anyways, his wife has really set my mind at ease because from what I can see, she really loves him. She handles his business and he hasn't called me and complained. See my brother is in the army and he is now in Iraq, so this is an emotional time for the family. I talk to his wife on a regular basis now and each time we talk we grow more in understanding of each other. I feel that I can trust her and I accept her as my sister. If my brother loves her then I love her, no questions asked.

For the past few weeks we have been doing our Christmas shopping. Calling each other and picking up items for each other. She does things as if we having been doing it forever. We are taking our Christmas vacation together to visit my dad. She handled all the business for the trip plane tickets and all. She reminds me of myself. But before all the hurt and pain, before enough was enough and was no longer standing by to be hurt or used.

I think what hurts the most is that it took marriage for me to have a sister relationship and I already have a blood sister.

Still Ghetto

2005-12-09T10:18:00.000-05:00

If you are sleeping on Lil'Kim's new album then its time to wake up!
I'm sure that everyone may not listen to rap because of its hardcore nature but to me it life. It's what I identify with, it's what I know. Now don't get me wrong, my exposure is not just the ghetto, but it my neighborhood, it's some of my friends and its was my classmates and its my family. I don't glorify certain ways of this life sytle but I do understand the stuggle. It is what it is.

I love this particular cd because its real and I feel as if the words were taken out my head. I guess it takes an artist to hit bottom to produce a hit album as such. I feel like Lil' Kim's promotor, as much as I tell people about it, but for the most part people haven't heard the cd yet and most likely won't. I guess her previous album's were not on the top of the hit list so people have strayed away.

This is not your average nasty, who and how I'm f**king cd. Its about real life situations that I believe we all can relate to. Male and Female! So give it a listen when you can it wont kill ya. Its an adult CD so send the kiddies to bed before you pop it in.

Still Ghetto!!

101Things About Me (re-post)

2005-12-09T10:02:00.000-05:00

"101 Things About Me"
1. I'm brown, thick and loving it.
2. I love money.
3. But I hate shopping.
4. My booty is flat and my hips are wide.
5. I want to be an advocate for "thick" women. (Big girls need love to!)
6. My favorite movie is "The Color Purple"... (You told Harpo to hit me!)
7. I have millionaire taste... but broke peoples' money.
8. I still live with my mama! (So basically I'm homeless)
9. I HATE MY BABY DADDY! (Not hate, but I dislike him very, very, very much)
10.I usually date unattractive men! (When did ugly niccas start cheating!)
11. I have been blessed to have 5 very close female friends. (with very limited drama)
12. I love my younger brother. (And so does all my friends.)
13. I would give my life for him and my daughter.
14. My daughter is the reason why I never gave up.
15. I broke my foot this year. ( I miss my heels.)
16. I work two jobs. (And i'm still broke!)
17. I've owned over 200 teddy bears and dolls at one time.
18. I'm a proud LEO.
19. I think that Cancers' and Scorpios' are crazy.
20. Conch is the only seafood that I eat.
21. I love to eat out! ( I always order pasta)
22. I love acoholic beverages. ( But I'm not an acoholic...)
23. I love big black men with big stomachs. (They are my teddy bears.)
24. I date big men cause I know I will always eat. (Big men keep money...they gotta eat.)
25. I love going out.... I'm always on the go.
26. My mother can't stand me becuase I look and act like my daddy. LOL
27. I love music.
28.When I have money you can find me at Best Buy on Tuesdays.
29. I want a husband and all the wonders that come along with marriage.
30. I love when it gets cool in Miami.
31. I'm an army brat.
32. People take my kindness for my weakness.
33. I'm a professional ...(but still ghetto, when neccessary)
34. I'm a DolphFAN!! ( I love football and I would marry Zach Thomas)
35. I love the Miami Heat....and Dwayne Wade!!
36. My favorite color is purple.
37. My favorite color to wear is black.
38. I love getting pedicures. (Gotta keep the feet tight)
39. I don't wear clothes from the flea market.
40. But I seem to always find myself there.
41. I tend to dress casual. (A pair of jeans and a nice top.)
42. I don't wear makeup...well only when I wanna look cute.
43. Everyday my mom asks me to wear lipstick. ( A lil lip gloss will do.)
44. I don't have patience for grown stupid folks.
45. When I eat, I get full really fast. (I never finish a meal)
46. I love taking candle lit, hot bubble baths!
47. I can't wait for the day my husband washes my back!
48. I am a hopeless romantic.
49. I always thought my life would be like a fairy tale. (Its more of a ghetto tale)
50. I think to much!
51. I have lots of dreams, but once I wake up I can't remember them.
52. I love chocolate...cakes...ice cream...candy bars
53. Gummi bears and lemon heads are my favorite purse candies.
54. I hate going to the dentist.
55. I have a fear of falling. (I dont skate or run if I dont have to.)
56. Sanford and Son and Martin are my favorite late nite shows.
57. When I was younger I liked dating older men.
58. Now that I'm older...I don't, they to old now!
59. I can't stand talking on the phone with someone with no conversation. (Hello, think of something then call me back!)
60. I love Avon.
61. I dont know how to cook a lot dishes...but you won't starve!
62. I wish I could fake my death so I wont have to pay the bill collectors.
63. I like wearing mini skirts and shorts...but I rarely do it.
64. Some days I wish that I was invisible. (No paritcular reason why.)
65. I have a bad memory. (Sorry)
66. I don't like club fights. (I keep wastin my drinks...Damn!)
67. Can't stand the HATERS! (Not that anyone is hating on me.)
68. I wish I had a stable baby sitter.
69. Death has taken some people that were really dear to me.
70. I love poetry...sometimes I even write. (Rarely do I share)
71. I love expensive and classy perfume. (So tired of rubbing those pages on my neck!)
72. I love doing crossword puzzles.
73. Jigzone.com is my favorite internet puzzle spot.
74. Fast driver... slow drivers move to the right.
75. Can't stand awful drivers. (Better be glad I don't flat tires for fun!)
76. I have nice beautiful hair...but I appreciate a good weave!
77. I would consider myself a ride or die chick...until its time to die!
78. I used to worry about other peoples opinion.
79. Sometimes I still do...but only with my friends.
80. I'm glad that I am almost done...I aint that friendly with my business.
81. I want to make love in freaky places with my husband.(Can't wait to meet him.)
82. If I could have one consistent thing in life it would be happiness.
83. Okay two...and a flat stomach!
84. I love Ramen Noodles and Chef Boyardees' Beefaroni and Ravioli.
85. I hate traffic. (Even more when it's raining)
86. I love being on the beach at night.
87. I was in the marching band in highschool as a dancer.
88. I miss dancing.
89. My mom is my single parent inspiration.
90. My friends that have and are pursuing their dreams are also my inspiration.
91. Daily I'm striving to be more Christ like.
92. I'm getting better at it...but I have a long way to go.
93. Sometimes I feel lonely.
94. I crave for a mans' true love and attention. (Getting better at that too.)
95. I hope that I continue to be a great example in my duaghters life.
96. I pray that before I leave this earth that I touch kids and adults lives in a positive way.
97. Doing this list allowed me to search my mind and heart about who I really am.
98. I love who I am and what I am to become.
99. Im not afraid of ghost but of the evil people that lurk around everyday.
100.My greatest gift is God saving a poor soul like me.
101. I am THE PERFECT VERSE TO A TIGHT BEAT!

I'm glad you made it to the end! Be blessed!

Him.

2005-12-08T10:44:00.000-05:00

Him! The insignificant other who donated his sperm and gave me baby.
Calling him my baby daddy would be to much credit. He doesn't deserve the title so I will stick with Him.

Him, is not on child support. Why you may ask? Because the old me that cared and gave people the benefit of the doubt, made that unwise decision. But its now in the working.

I accepted responsibility of the choice I made when I laid down with Him and due to the love that I have for my child, I got my grind on.
I didn't do alone. Thank God for my mama, my backbone, my hero!
We have had a our fights and our differences but she has never turned her back and neither have I. We support each other to a certain extent.

Back to Him!

Him, never calls and never comes by. But he says he loves her. Then his definition of love must be one I never known of. To me, love is sacrifice and it has no boundaries. My love is working two full time jobs going to college. Its asking my mother day after day to continue to be there, putting a strain on our relationship because I ask to much of her. I don't know when the day will come when she says that she has helped enough and she needs her space and time to live her life. Even if it means coming home and just reading a book and going to sleep.

Him has made me feel lower than dirt. Talked to me as if I was the nasty chewing gum beneath his new pair of Jordans. Him always in new sneaks and clothes when I see him. Him, shows up to birthday parties, didn't contribute a dime nor his time and came empty handed with his new fresh outfit on. Him says that he will buy her school uniforms at the beginning of the school year and it's Christmas and I haven't seen Him bring shit yet but a new pair twenty dollar classic reeboks. And peep this, Him knew that it was jacked up, that he couldn't even show his face and left the shoes on the front porch where the crackheads could have stole them. I live in the hood!! I was laying right there on the couch and my car was parked in the yard. Him said he rang the door bell and no one came to the door. Yeah!

Him hasn't seen his daughter since July and it was only for two minutes. She has been out of town twice since then, been bad in school and has taken school and Christmas pictures. Him doesn't even know. And Him says he loves her. Which still leaves me with the question. How does Him love her? Is there this invisible love that is the new thing and I have caught on to yet?

In spite of it all, I stay on the grind getting three hours of sleep a night during the week. And on top of it all still keep a moderate social life trying to distribute my time evenly among my friends and my significant other. Being a full time mother and exposing my daughter to all the riches and benefits of life. Doing all that I can so she can have everything I had and more. Trying to give her the advantage in life so that she will be well rounded and successful in life.

Him, still planted deep down in the back of my mind. The thought of him creeps into my mind every now and then. When it's about 2 or 3 in the morning and I just got off work. Fighting a migraine and back aches but can't take a strong pain pill because I will oversleep for the next job. Sitting on my bed stressed wondering how I will make these paychecks stretch and still try to save. Wondering why I ended up a person like Him. Wondering if it was punishment for sex before I got married or some other sin I may have committed. Afterwards I drift off to sleep knowing that my days will get better and my struggle is not in vain. I pray to God and give him thanks and ask for forgiviness of my sins. I pray for better days and then thank him in the same breath because I know that the better days are on the way. With a heavy heart I pray for Him but only for the sake of my daughter. So that she will be experience the REAL love of a father.

HIM

Changes!!

2005-12-08T09:36:00.000-05:00

For the past two days I had two things that I wanted to post about.
I forgot what it was!

So I will discuss random things that cross my mind. So I will start with love since that hardly ever leaves my mind. I want to love again but my fear of hurt is holding me back and taking a toll. I have a very nice and intelligent young man that I have been spending a lot of time with but me not opening up and trusting is starting to get the best of him. He says that I'm hard!
But I have to be. For years I have been NICE and being NICE hasn't gotten me much but a broken heart and a severe case of self consciousness. I begin to doubt myself, my abilities and my self-worth. I soon begin to believe that I am not worthy or good enough for a happy and successful relationship. I ponder on my past and wonder if I have done something bad that has doomed my possibilities of having a husband and family.

But I not that awful. I was (am) the type of person that would share my last with a person. If I eat, you eat, and if I didn't have enough then I didn't eat. No matter where, no matter when, I was always giving. And I didn't mind because that was my heart. I didn't give for fashion or show, I gave because I cared and I love hard. But through some so called friends and guys who protested the undying love, they have stolen my joy. They used me and took my kindness for a weakness. The sad part is, that after a while, I begin to recognize their trifling behavior but overlooked it for a while trying to give people the benefit of the doubt. But with no avail I had to cut them off one after another.

So this brings me to where I am now. Wanting to be the old me (who I really am) but to afraid to fall and that same old trap. So I have starting recognizing my mistakes and making changes. I was told that I attract those same type of people. So now in my new outlook there is no room for chances. You either have it or you don't. I ain't nobody's mama and ain't their private teacher. I don't have that type of time on my hands. No more lowering my standards just to be loved. And for the first time in life I am okay with that. I am secure within myself... but I still ain't nobody's fool! I have no problem anymore expressing myself. I no longer with hold the truth worrying about someone else's feelings. When I did that before, bitches didn't give a damn about my feelings. I made men believe that they were more than what they were because I never wanted to hurt their feelings. Fuck their feelings, it's all about me and how I feel, no longer living behind lies. If you ain't shit I'm telling you ain't shit...better yet I'm not even wasting my time, no conversation. I won't entertain the thought.

It feels good and I'm proud of myself. Slowly I will open up but on my own terms and on my own time. Maybe it might work this time or maybe it won't. But whatever the outcome I am happy with me and that is what matters the most.

Until next time, stay true to you.

2005-12-06T15:01:00.000-05:00

Its been a while since I had the time to sit down at the computer to express myself. For a while I felt pressure to post every day but not enough to write about. So with the help of my computer having a mind of its own, I quit, I gave up. With a new frame of mind I will attempt to start again. Trying to share my life situations the best way I know how.

I went to college to become a teacher and have been working in the school system for over five years. And now when I so close to completing my degree I no longer find the joy that I used to have. It is very hard for me to love kids so much and want so much for them and then they don't want it for themselves. Everyday I walk into a classroom where students don't want to learn and are very disrespectful to most of the faculty. How can you teach when the student does not want to learn? What do you tell a parent who is frustrated with the child's lack of motivation and bad behavior? How do I keep myself from losing the love and want to teach?

Teaching is supposed to be a rewarding career and for the most part it is. But I can't see myself in a classroom for another ten years. I'm now left with the question "What can I do next?"
I have always searched my mind for something else to do that I would love and have a passion for and make really good money. And I have always contemplated having my own business but to stay in business in such a competitive market you have a business with longevity and originality.

Well I have come up with an idea that will allow me to still stay in the teaching field but also a means for extra money. I will now pursue a master's degree in massage therapy. In the school system I can use this to become an occupational therapist and work on students that need therapy. The benefit will be that I can also work out of my home and maybe grow into a small business. Who knows what the future may hold for me after that.

Next..

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately and I guess that's what made me want to start back. I like that I can read and see that my life is not so different from many other people around the world. I feel connected in some way. Eventually I will have a computer after the new the new year that will be in better shape. Then I will be able to post from home. The kids are taking a math and I am taking advantage of the schools fast access.

Until next time, be safe and keep it REAL and HONEST!!

2005-05-31T17:53:00.000-04:00

2005-05-31T17:49:00.000-04:00

2005-05-26T14:15:00.000-04:00

Stepping on the Devil

2005-04-19T10:51:00.000-04:00

Just after my recent post, trouble stirred up in my heart and my life again. Just when you think everything is going smoothly and you're finally on track the devil wants to start chaos. And for a brief moment I lost it, I let the devil, in an instant, still my joy.
But I am thankful for an almighty God that did not let his child suffer long. He picked me up and held onto me and made everything alright. The crazy feelings and thoughts gone. No longer sad and confused. Thankful that he allowed and me to vent and express myself freely. Not having to worry about coming back to haunt me. Thanks Tee!

Friends are a gift and I am grateful for the my blessings of friends!

This one is short and to the point. Just needed to share!
One love

GODS GRACE

2005-04-14T11:22:00.000-04:00

I am now completing my second week of internship and despite not getting paid I love it.
I am at Miami Lakes Middle School, where the population is mainly hispanic. When I first walked through these doors, my mind started racing wondering why in the world my college supervisor placed me out of my element, my comfort zone, away from my own. I never imagined teaching outside the inner city schools of my own neighborhood. But God had a another plan and due to the fact that he knew that I wouldn't move myself he did it through the internship. And I am trully thankful, becuase I am having the time of my life and haven't had this much enthusiasm since I started working in the school system 5 years ago.

Teaching is my gift and on this internship I found it again and regained the realism of why I started teaching in the first place. When I broke my foot year ago I knew that God was working in my life but I would have never guessed that things would be so great. Yes I'm still recovering from my injury and I'm still struggling with pulling off working at night, full time, internship full time and being a full time mother. But Im still smiling and I'm happier than I have ever been.
When you sit back and let God work in your life you can trully see his works and wonders. I have trully sat back and allowed God to do his thing and my blessings are wonderous. I still have my bad days but the good outway the bad. I feel his grace and I see my dreams unfolding perfectly in front of my eyes.

I realized that there was no need for all my worrying because the history in my life shows me that God always makes a way. He always worked things out. So when I don't have the money or other things are just not going right I just say "God you know my heart and my mind, Lord work your miracles in my life". And I continue doing my best and watch as God works in my life.
[Now reality is] that it is a daily struggle to stay focused and not allow the devil to still my joy. But I have found to work is, self talk. "I rebuke you devil in the name of Jesus", "DearGod give me the strength to make it through", and sometimes all I have to do is just call the name "JESUS". He hears my cry and he already knows my problem, he is just waiting for the invitation in.
I could go on and on but Im sure that you get the picture.
I am happy in life right now and really none of my struggles have completely went away but I have learned how to deal with them now. And slowly but surely, they will be removed.

As I close I want to share the serenity prayer because this short prayer alone can help you through any obstacle that you may encounter. May God Bless You and Yours!

God grant me the Serenity to accept

the things I cannot change,

Courage to change

the things we can,

and the Wisdom to know the difference!

2005-03-16T11:26:00.000-05:00

Its been a while since I touched these keys to express myself and it definitely feels good. Time is not my friend right now so its hard for me enjoy my computer. Actually the last time I poured my heart out about a really touchy subject my computer froze. I lost four paragraphs of my deepest thoughts. I haven't attempted to write about it since. Maybe oneday I will be able to share again.

Anyways as usuall things are crazy busy for me and I'm eager to reach my goals so I can start on some new ones. Everyday I get closer and yet frustrated. My daughter is acting out in school and every morning I have to listen to her punk azz teacher whine about her behavior. I want to slap him and tell him to grow a dick. But as a professional mother I have to maintain my composure and pretend that I understand. WHATEVER!!
She's only four, get a grip and put your foot down.

No boyfriend but I have been kicking it exclusively with my ex. And I have to say these have been the best few weeks that I have had in a long time. He is wonderful, now. LOL !! He goes to church now and has returned to the working field. Thank God for his many blessings because this man has done a 360 and I couldn't be any happier. Its been a pleasure and a joy to be around him. I support him totally and even joined him for a spirit filled day at his new church home. It was an experience and it was meant for me to be there.

Well that's it for now. As soon as possible I will be back.
Until then, be blessed!

Love Day

2005-02-13T22:25:00.000-05:00

For the first time as far back as I can remember, this is the first time that I didn't have a Valentine. And to think about it, this past Christmas I didn't have anyone special to share it with either. I guess my day of loneliness was bound to come sooner or later. I will deal with it gracefully though, because my life is good and I have a lot to be grateful for.
Some people have their opinion about this day being needed or not. To me it is needed in life, because some people tend to be so busy in life that if they aren't reminded about some things they would never stop to think about it and make a move.
There are people around us, that until this one day, don't get recognized or even told "I love you" or just plain "Thankyou". So I'm glad that we have one day set aside to recognize love and appreciation.
So to all who grace this page "Happy Valentine's Day"!

"Livin' it up on my Tax Refund!!"

2005-02-02T21:42:00.000-05:00

Whoever thought up tax refunds is the greatest!

I see tax refunds as a savings account for people who can't save.

I filed my taxes early this year and am proud to say that I used my "savings" to purchase a new and well deserved car. It feels good to be riding in a nice, air conditioned, power everything, smooth riding car.
I am overjoyed with this new blessing and loving every moment.

On another note I'm ready for this years' Super Bowl game. I would love to see the Eagles pull off this much deserved win. I think McNabb is a wornderful quarterback and since I couldn't witness a Marino super bowl win, then this will be the next best thing. So go EAGLES!!

Yes! I'm Back

2005-01-31T15:07:00.000-05:00

Its seems like a bitter breakup gettin back together. Yes I'm talking about being away from my blog.

Well the computer and the DSL went mad. But I got them in check. Bye Bye DSL u cost to much anyway.

I know its a little to late but Happy New Year to u all!

Now that I'm able to post I guess I have writters block or maybe I don't know where to start. I'll be playin catchup and reading other blogs and then I will post again. So stay tuned.

2004-12-24T13:40:00.000-05:00

The Takeover

I have lost my fan base. I need to rebuild. Men are too scared to get at me now.

One crazy man coming into my life without my permission has taken over. I met him at the fleamarket. He was grilled up, 20 golds, 50 tattoos and long braids. I saw him peeping me as I got my nails and feet done.

He walked up to me and said, "Do you like what you see?"

I didn't respond. Because he wasn't no looker. I wasn't looking for nobody at the time. After he kept talking and talking I just gave him my number.

The first day we hung out we were chillin. He was just laid back, telling me bout his life and how he wanted it to be. Day 2, he flipped the script.

He didn't ask me to be his girlfriend. He just told me I was.

This nigga done confiscated my phone. Changed my voice message without me knowing. My girl Tee called me last night at 3 in the morning telling me that some nigga on my answering machine talking bout, "Holla Back."

She was scared for my life because she know I ain't with that.

More crazy tales to come soon.

Happy Holidays!

Computer gone Mad!

2004-11-29T13:42:00.000-05:00

Sorry, guys but my computer is acting up and I haven't had the oppurtunity to update.
Right now Im at work and taking a much needed but secret break.

HappyBelated Thanksgiving to all and I hope that everyone had an enjoyable holiday.

Well things have been a little crazy for me these last two weeks but I still wont complain. The guy at my night job is furious because I won't persue a relationship with him and now he chooses to walk around the job and not speak to me at all. That's cool. But it doesn't stop there he slams doors in my face and talks shit under his breath while walking behind me. Now this type of behavior only makes me happy to know that I made the right decision and not persue a relationship with this psychotic fool. You really don't know a person, until time passes and the real person emerges. No one at my job would have ever guessed that he would act this way. He had us all fooled and that saying is true "You can't judge a book by its cover."

During this holiday weekend I had the oppurtunity to spend a long awaited night on the town with my two bestfriends Tam and Tee. We had a ball but I will leave all the details for Tee becuase I know that the story will be on her blog, Share My World, if it is not already there.
I have to give a shout out to Number6 for the invite and let yall know that he definitely a wonderful and handsome young man.

Well the little time that I had is up and I will update ASAP. Drop a note and let me know how things are going on in your world.

Oh yeah, if you have the oppurtunity to see the movie Ray, go out and see it. I give it 4 stars!

Later!

2004-11-20T17:01:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I find it hard to write on my page because I am so private.
I don't talk a lot or share my life with to many people. So I feel like I am always picking my brain for something to share. So here is something that I wouldn't normally share.

Yesterday was wonderful for me. I had the opportunity to spend some time with a male friend. He is always a great person to be around and he listens well. We started hanging as soon as I got off work. We grabbed a meal from Pollo Tropical and some fries from McDonalds. We headed over to his place and enjoyed a fun afternoon with his family. He helped me clean out my car that so badly needed it and changed a blown light bulb in my tail light. He simply did a few things that a good man would do to help his woman keep up.

He lives in walking distance of my dauhter's school so we took a nice stroll to pick her up. Here in Miami the weather is changing, its cooler in the evenings so we have this nice weather to enjoy. While doing these things and spending time with him, in the back of my mind the only thing that I could think was "Why couldn't this be my life everyday?".

Why is it that I don't have a wonderful man in my life to share with and spend quality time with? I don't ask for much out of a man but when I end up dating someone they can't even fulfill the basics. It's this time of the year when its nice to have someone near and dear to you to share with and enjoy the coming ending and new beginning. But back to my day.
We sat in his room and I read a few short stories out of a book called Chocolate Flava by Zane. I never had that experience before...most guys won't sit still to read anything past the sports section of a newspaper. Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with the sports section but dont let it stop there.
After reading a book by Zane we both needed another walk. That sister is hot. Anyways, after another cool walk in the hood, we ventured back to his house to watch a movie called the Recruit. It was pretty good and it kept our attention. We ate dinner and finished the night away by talking and laughing about life. And guess what...I was happy.
There was no need to go anywhere and spend hella cash. It doesnt take much to have an enjoyable time with someone. All I ask for realness, less the drama... a man to be a man.
Basically what I'm feeling, is that it's nice to be able to have someone in your life that enjoys your company and same interesting lifestyle. To be able to share with compassion and understading and without ridicule.

I am officially "Caving In"

2004-11-12T13:14:00.000-05:00

"101 Things About Me"

1. I'm brown, thick and loving it.

2. I love money.

3. But I hate shopping.

4. My booty is flat and my hips are wide.

5. I want to be an advocate for "thick" women. (Big girls need love to!)

6. My favorite movie is "The Color Purple"... (You told Harpo to hit me!)

7. I have millionaire taste... but broke peoples' money.

8. I still live with my mama! (So basically I'm homeless)

9. I HATE MY BABY DADDY! (Not hate, but I dislike him very, very, very much)

10.I usually date unattractive men! (When did ugly niccas start cheating!)

11. I have been blessed to have 5 very close female friends. (with very limited drama)

12. I love my younger brother. (And so does all my friends.)

13. I would give my life for him and my daughter.

14. My daughter is the reason why I never gave up.

15. I broke my foot this year. ( I miss my heels.)

16. I work two jobs. (And i'm still broke!)

17. I've owned over 200 teddy bears and dolls at one time.

18. I'm a proud LEO.

19. I think that Cancers' and Scorpios' are crazy.

20. Conch is the only seafood that I eat.

21. I love to eat out! ( I always order pasta)

22. I love acoholic beverages. ( But I'm not an acoholic...)

23. I love big black men with big stomachs. (They are my teddy bears.)

24. I date big men cause I know I will always eat. (Big men keep money...they gotta eat.)

25. I love going out.... I'm always on the go.

26. My mother can't stand me becuase I look and act like my daddy. LOL

27. I love music.

28.When I have money you can find me at Best Buy on Tuesdays.

29. I want a husband and all the wonders that come along with marriage.

30. I love when it gets cool in Miami.

31. I'm an army brat.

32. People take my kindness for my weakness.

33. I'm a professional ...(but still ghetto, when neccessary)

34. I'm a DolphFAN!! ( I love football and I would marry Zach Thomas)

35. I love the Miami Heat....and Dwayne Wade!!

36. My favorite color is purple.

37. My favorite color to wear is black.

38. I love getting pedicures. (Gotta keep the feet tight)

39. I don't wear clothes from the flea market.

40. But I seem to always find myself there.

41. I tend to dress casual. (A pair of jeans and a nice top.)

42. I don't wear makeup...well only when I wanna look cute.

43. Everyday my mom asks me to wear lipstick. ( A lil lip gloss will do.)

44. I don't have patience for grown stupid folks.

45. When I eat, I get full really fast. (I never finish a meal)

46. I love taking candle lit, hot bubble baths!

47. I can't wait for the day my husband washes my back!

48. I am a hopeless romantic.

49. I always thought my life would be like a fairy tale. (Its more of a ghetto tale)

50. I think to much!

51. I have lots of dreams, but once I wake up I can't remember them.

52. I love chocolate...cakes...ice cream...candy bars

53. Gummi bears and lemon heads are my favorite purse candies.

54. I hate going to the dentist.

55. I have a fear of falling. (I dont skate or run if I dont have to.)

56. Sanford and Son and Martin are my favorite late nite shows.

57. When I was younger I liked dating older men.

58. Now that I'm older...I don't, they to old now!

59. I can't stand talking on the phone with someone with no conversation. (Hello, think of something then call me back!)

60. I love Avon.

61. I dont know how to cook a lot dishes...but you won't starve!

62. I wish I could fake my death so I wont have to pay the bill collectors.

63. I like wearing mini skirts and shorts...but I rarely do it.

64. Some days I wish that I was invisible. (No paritcular reason why.)

65. I have a bad memory. (Sorry)

66. I don't like club fights. (I keep wastin my drinks...Damn!)

67. Can't stand the HATERS! (Not that anyone is hating on me.)

68. I wish I had a stable baby sitter.

69. Death has taken some people that were really dear to me.

70. I love poetry...sometimes I even write. (Rarely do I share)

71. I love expensive and classy perfume. (So tired of rubbing those pages on my neck!)

72. I love doing crossword puzzles.

73. Jigzone.com is my favorite internet puzzle spot.

74. Fast driver... slow drivers move to the right.

75. Can't stand awful drivers. (Better be glad I don't flat tires for fun!)

76. I have nice beautiful hair...but I appreciate a good weave!

77. I would consider myself a ride or die chick...until its time to die!

78. I used to worry about other peoples opinion.

79. Sometimes I still do...but only with my friends.

80. I'm glad that I am almost done...I aint that friendly with my business.

81. I want to make love in freaky places with my husband.(Can't wait to meet him.)

82. If I could have one consistent thing in life it would be happiness.

83. Okay two...and a flat stomach!

84. I love Ramen Noodles and Chef Boyardees' Beefaroni and Ravioli.

85. I hate traffic. (Even more when it's raining)

86. I love being on the beach at night.

87. I was in the marching band in highschool as a dancer.

88. I miss dancing.

89. My mom is my single parent inspiration.

90. My friends that have and are pursuing their dreams are also my inspiration.

91. Daily I'm striving to be more Christ like.

92. I'm getting better at it...but I have a long way to go.

93. Sometimes I feel lonely.

94. I crave for a mans' true love and attention. (Getting better at that too.)

95. I hope that I continue to be a great example in my duaghters life.

96. I pray that before I leave this earth that I touch kids and adults lives in a positive way.

97. Doing this list allowed me to search my mind and heart about who I really am.

98. I love who I am and what I am to become.

99. Im not afraid of ghost but of the evil people that lurk around everyday.

100.My greatest gift is God saving a poor soul like me.

101. I am THE PERFECT VERSE TO A TIGHT BEAT!

I hope that you all have trully enjoyed learning more about me. I would greatly appreciate if you would be so kind to drop me a note and let me know that you were here. I really want to know that I'm not writing to myself. Thanks

Could it be?

2004-11-09T13:32:00.000-05:00

Maximum emotions
pumpin in my heart.
Is he really into me,
or is he just playing the part.
Holding me close through the night,
making me feel... oh so right.
Rubbing my curly black hair,
like my father used to do
when he was there.

Dark and chocolate,
just the way I like em',
Damn he looks so sweet,
how bad I wanna taste him.
Making me feel like I was really his,
and no one else was there.
Been hurt so many times before
to scared to be me
and share.

He could really be the one
but to bad I will miss out.
Cause no one else is gonna
get the chance to do what the
other one did... so bye bye
I'm out.
(whispering, as I tip toed out)

Different Love

2004-11-05T13:25:00.000-05:00

I am so tired I don't know what to do. Two weeks and I have been working two jobs and going to school two nights out the week. And I'm finally have a night off. All I want to do is sleep, sleep, and sleep.

And I did!

I was so tired and so drained that I couldn't finish my entry. I was asked to go out by my several different friends...My mind was saying yes but my body was telling me no. I don't like when I have to say no, especially to my friends that don't get to see or talk to me that much because of my hectic schedule. At times all this working gets to me but I have to remind myself of the bigger picture... My future.

As I'm sitting at this computer I am consumed with early morning phone calls with grief. My cousins' grandfather has just died this morning and my other close and dear friends' grandmother is not doing so well. These situations are very similar because the grandparents were major roles in raising my friends. They actually have a different and special bond with the grandparents because they actually were raised in their households.

Now on my hand, I never lived with any of my grandparents and I love them dearly but I know it's a different love from the way my friends love their grandparents. Actually I only had one special bond with my grandparents. It was with my grandfather on my fathers' side. He passed away many years ago when I was a little girl. During the time that I knew him, he made it known that he truly loved me. I adored him as I adore my father and till this very day I miss him and think of him often. I even know that life for me and my family would truly be different if he was still alive. He kept the family together and strong. His word was law...No questions asked.
I am now faced with the situation of my grandmother on my fathers' side of being ill. Right now it's all testing so there is not a definite answer to her illness. So I'm left here thinking what's next. Being that I live really close to her I want to be here for her and do as much as I can like I used to.
I used to clean up for her and keep up her hair and nails. But as my other girl cousins grew up I passed the responsibility on to them. They actually live with her and I basically had no choice. There was no need for me to clean up after able folks so my duties were done. And the girls had been waiting for the day that they could keep up her nails and hair.

The first part of my life, we never stayed in the same city or the same state for that fact, as any of my grandparents . So I rarely saw my grandparents so I guess that's why I didn't have a tight bond with them. I never spent summers with them or major holidays without my parents. I realized that my grandparents did less for me and my brother because we had parents that were completely there. They didn't have to step in as parents like they did for my other cousins. Growing up I didn't understand that, I thought that they loved them more because they gave them more. What a reality check. I guess that's apart of growing pains! You live and you learn.
Apart of me felt bad that I didn't love my grandparents the way my friends loved theirs. But they love them like they love their parents ...I never had that opportunity.

Leave me a note and let me know your grandparent situation.

Until then,
Lady T

It's been a month???

2004-11-03T10:00:00.000-05:00

I didn't even realize how long it has been since I updated my blog.
Well of course lots of things have happened in my life so let the update begin.

I am now working as a para during the day time at an elementary school. I work in the ESE department with the EMH students. These kids are off the wall awful but sometimes they just can't help themselves. But all in all I still love coming to work to see them. Now the teacher that I work with is downright pitiful. He has no classroom structure nor control. He expects me to come in and do his job... NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!! He gets paid the big bucks not me, so I will continue to do what my job description entails.

Due to working so much and going to class, my body is getting super tired. I haven't slept pass 3 hours in three days. But I'm striving for success and this is what I have to endure for the moment. God is working in my life and I know that he will carry me through and give me the strength to maintain. It feels good to be able to contribute again to the household and feel like I'm carring some of my weight. Each time my payday swings around my mothers' smile is wider than mine.

My daughter is ever so active and keeping me laughing. She is definitely the light of my life and without her, I'm nothing. Because of her being apart of my life and God, I am the woman that I am. She was exactly what I needed and she was right on time... even though some days I question "What have I gotten into"? There are days that I dont want to be mommy but that only last for a moment.

Ok J, from my night job turned out to be a pest. He is very intelligent and even fun but he has female tendencies. And I tend to have male ways ... according to TeEricka. We just don't match, but were are definitely cool as friends and even that is becoming a burden. But I will maintain a freindly status since we work together. There is no need for ugly faces while working with someone if you can help it. Oh yeah and now I have to work with a female coworker at both of my jobs....CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!! I really don't care to see anyone I work that much (unless it was Method Man), this is definitely gonna be a struggle.

Well I have to go back to work because I have been ditching the teacher since I got here. I know he is not the happy camper right now... just imagine how awful it is for a teacher to have to be completely responsible for his own students.... It's down right unfair. LOL

Until next and it won't be long.
Be easy and prayed because there is an important election going on!
Much love,
Lady T

The "TRUTH" tour

2004-09-24T20:06:00.000-04:00

The day has finally arrived and Usher is in the MIA!

So of course you know I had to be fresh went I hit the scene. It seemed as time was flying while I was at the popular flea market getting my toes and eye brows done. It's been a while since I've been able to pamper myself in such a way, so no one could tell me I wasn't looking good.

Any way, made it to the house and prepared myself for the night. I was matching from head to toe with soft lime green being the featured color of my outfit.

On the ride to the American Airline Arena, I crunk up the volume and refreshed my memory of the lyrics I would be singing that night. Reality hit when I ran straight into TRAFFIC! Damn... cars were everywhere and I was ready to get to my seat. Being the smart diva that I am, I took the back streets of Overtown that no one, not familiar with the area, would dare to do. To bad, because I jumped all the traffic and found parking for $10, this must be my lucky night.

The SHOW!!
Kanye West is amazing! He was full of energy as he paced the stage back and forth singing the hits that described his life. He presence in the building pumped and bumped energy and fun to every fan there. I just wish he had another album so he didn't have to leave the stage so soon. I know that whenever he goes on his grand tour I will definitely be there. To close his show, he ended with the famous JESUS WALKS! We had church up in there! He had on his all white suit and he did his church dance all across that stage and I joined in, right in the stands.

A few celebraties graced the place...Shaq and his family, Jermaine Dupri (Happy Birthday), and Missy to name a few.

USHER! USHER! USHER! USHER! USHER! USHER! USHER!
Don't you know I'm your #1 fan. Got all your cd's and they aint even bootleg. You need to look my way when you pull a lady from the stands. (Those were the thoughts running through my head as I waited for Usher to hit the stage). I had great seats. Side stage right up close, enough to feel the heat when it shot up from the stage.

Usher tore the house up!
And it felt like he was singing every song especially to me.... and maybe a few other thousand people in the stands. But I don't mind sharing... but only for the night.
He danced so sexy and smooth that I know there were a lot of wet panties leaving the show that night.
All I kept thinking, while he was performing, was..."What was so bad that Chilli could not forgive a fine man like that?" She must be crazy, right? LOL
He took it back and did songs like, My Way, You Remind Me, and You Make Me Wanna. The fans standing in front of me were amazed at the fact that I practically new all the words to every song he sung and the words I didn't know my cousin Dasi had my back.
I can't remember what my seat even felt like because I was on my feet all night...and I'll be paying for it, with my bad foot, for the rest of tonight.
But to see Usher it was worth it.

Usher ended his show with YEAH! And who surprised the fans with a guest visit...LUDACRIS!
I did the A-Town Stomp, the Muscle, Thunder Clap, and the Rock-Away like I was on stage as one of his dancers. The place was so crunk that Usher had to keep backing the song up and playing it again. No one was ready to leave and neither was he. But all good things must come to end and the rest will continue in my dreams.

Until next time, be blessed.
Lady T
TRUTH HURTS

IT IS WHAT IT IS!!!

2004-09-20T18:57:00.000-04:00

THE DOLPHINS SUCK!!
I am a die hard fan of the Miami Dolphins and that will never end. But they are giving me a headache. Some people want to blame the new QB, Feeley, but we don't have a productive offensive line. Until they do their job and give Feeley some good oppurtunities for a first down play we won't really know his full potential.
I have to give top props to that Defensive line though. They work hard to keep the Dolphins in the game. But the D-line can't win it alone. Zack Thomas , Seau and Jason Taylor all get mad props for their individual efforts. Without them, the team would definitely not have a winning chance. All I can say is "IT IS WHAT IT IS!!"

Livin' my life like it's GOLDEN!!

2004-09-20T18:27:00.000-04:00

It's funny how your words can be turned around and twisted into something that they weren't. But that's life. Some people have their heads stuck so high up in the sky that don't realize that they are just like the people they don't like. Before you dare to judge someone, open that so called openmind and see yourself for what you really are.

IT IS WHAT IT IS!

This weekend was a very special time with the kids. I ended up spending time with J and his 6year old daughter. She is something t0 get used to but overall she is a very intelligent little girl. Saturday we took the kids to the zoo. It was free for them and six for the adults. I haven't been to the zoo in years and when I got there I quickly remembered why. The zoo is hot and boring and none of the animals do tricks. Where's the entertainment? The kids had a good time and that's what really mattered. We rented the bicycle jungle cruiser and pedaled our way through the park. To see the smile on my baby's face when she saw the monkeys was worth it all. Her excitement was what made the trip to the zoo very enjoyable.
Sunday, part two, we took the kids to "Chuck-E-Cheese". That place what hotter than the club on a jumping night. Whatever happened to throwing house parties. Every ghetto person I knew and didn't know was up in that place. I remember when that place was calm on a Sunday afternoon after church, now it's just another jungle. There were less animals at the zoo.
Anyways, the kids enjoyed themselves and if they are happy than so am I.
It will be a while before I go to either place again. Sorry kids!

Just Got Paid.... And Gotta Work 2nite!!

2004-09-16T21:08:00.000-04:00

So I got paid today and the Usher concert is next Thursday, so of course I had to do a little shopping.
I did, what I call pre-shopping, yesterday. I went to a few stores to see what the had to offer. Being that I wasn't paying for anything I didn't have to waste time standing in lines. I saw what I liked, tried them on and then put what I thought I wanted on hold. So today when the funds were ready I went back to the places where I knew I wanted something and got it. No long lines and and no need to fight of the clearance items because they were already mine.
I find it very hard shopping at times because not many stores have quality fashions for the thick women. We like to look good too. It's nothing more heartaching than going into a store looking at all the beautiful fashions and none being able to fit you. On any day that is a big blow to my selfesteem.
So I must continue to tell myself, "That BIG is BEAUTIFUL" and keep moving.
Last night at work, our senior staff came back from vacation, a day early. What a way to wreck our night. That man has no life for sure...hell, the job is his life. We also have a new lady working and she is already in my space. I keep trying to tell people I'm not that friendly. Every time I turn around she is right there in my face, or making noise and to top it off she found my hiding place.
This girl is really wrecking my nerves. She has a cold, and I can't stand a grown person with the sniffles, just shut up before I stick all that tissue up your nose.
Ok, I'm finished venting.
J and I are having so much fun talking and sharing. I'm really starting to feel like he may become a true friend. We have so much in common it's crazy. I wonder how he feels about the whole thing between him and I, but I'm afraid to ask. One day I will find out, but until then I will continue to enjoy the moments. God places different people in your life for different reasons, and for whatever reason I'm glad J is there.

Goodbye for now, but not 4ever!
Lady T

2004-09-15T15:24:00.000-04:00

So I have this night job and everything is pretty cool and laid back. Recently our senior staff took vacation because we finally have enough workers on shift. So of course we took great advantage and did a few things that we wouldn't do while he was there.

So I had the opportunity to chat more with the new male staff. He's not too attractive to me but he has a great personality. Our first conversation, not related to work, was about sports.

To make a long story short, this guy (J) is everything I am. And has a lot of qualities that I look for in a man...but if I never met him at work I wouldn't have looked at him twice in the streets. So my question is... "Why is that the men we don't like or not attracted to, have the qualities that we yearn for?"

This sucks, I have so much fun talking to him and just being around him. I just hope that he doens't begin to like me beyond a friendship.

The other part is that due to this new friendship J is really making it hard for me to have fun with my boyfriend. If I could take J's personality and give it to my boyfriend I think I would be forever happy.

DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

J asked me to go to a game with him this weekend but I passed on the invitation only because I'm going to the Usher concert next Thursday and have to get a new fit and a hairdo for the show. But there will be other games. So stay tuned.

It's been a while...

2004-09-13T15:29:00.000-04:00

Well due to certain circumstances in my life, it has been a while since I had the time to blog.
Wow, it definitely feels good to be here again sharing and posting.

Just a little update...
I now have two jobs and have enrolled in FloMo this semester.
My daughter is now in public school and my mind races everyday on safety and security. Her teacher has me on a limb because he has great teaching skills but he lacks greatly in people skills. So I'm left to think whether or not to remove her from his class. Due to the fact that I like the way he teaches and the excitement she has for school I won't remove her just yet. But if he proves my decision wrong, I will have no problem changing her class or even her school for that matter.

I got my hair braided and feelin' grown. It's been years since I rocked the braided look and my family is gettin' a kick out of callin me Alicia Keys. But it's okay cause the overall point is that I look wonderful in my braids.

Before I bring this entry to an end I have a question...
Have you ever met a person of whom you had to wonder how they got a job because it seems to you that they don't have any type of common sense? Share your experience with me and let me know that I am not alone.

Thanks 4 havin' me back,
Lady T

2004-05-24T14:36:00.000-04:00

I'm back after a little time to think and ponder on my life situations. Right now I don't know what's going to happen due to the situation with my foot but as always I'm faithful in trusting the Lord. I know that things will somehow work out but I just don't know how, just yet.
I hate not knowing, but that is where faith comes in. I feel as if I'm going through certain situations for me to be able to appreciate the good in my life and that to come. Sometimes I wonder why I'm struggling, when all I ever do was be nice, understanding and true to everyone around me.

Maybe I took things for granted or maybe things came to easy. Maybe my eyes had be opened and my heart enlightened to the real world around me. But to say the least, even though these times have not been easy I'm glad that they happened because I would not be the person that I am today without enduring these struggles.

I'm praying for continued patience and understanding, because I know that this is just the begining. God has to have strong workers in his court and he has to know that I am able to handle rough times and stay faithful and trustworthy. Times like this remind me of one my favorite gospel songs... "This Battle is not Yours, It's the Lords".

Thanks for coming through and be blessed!

Gas prices..."Out of Control" and "American Idol" is on a roll

2004-05-18T22:02:00.000-04:00

I recieved an email that requested that anyone with cars refrain from purchasing gas on Wednesday, May 19 due to the inflation in prices. I support this and if you agree spread the word to all that you know!

Today was very productive and I have a mission to get some important things accomplished. With the motivation I recieve from TeEricka there is no way that I will fail. She is a friend that I definitely need and love to have in my life. I'm a laid back type of person...sometimes to laid back.

Okay so my new hubbie Dwayne Wade is playing right now and I can feel the "HEAT" down in my soul! I'm ready to celebrate another win and the 4th quater with 8:20 left. I let you know the results in my next update. Oh yeah, AMERICAN IDOL is now down to three and Fantasia had a outstanding and moving night. That girl can blow! Things are down to the wire or should I say "vote". I placed my vote...what about you?

I love my friends near and far! No matter what, I know that I can depend on my dearest friends Dasi, Tam and Tee. You would think that we all lived in the same city the way we keep in touch. Thank God for free nights and weekends and unlimited long distance.

I have to concentrate on the last few minutes of this game so I will continue another day.
May blessings touch all the read my page. Thanks for stopping by!

Your girl,
Lady T

Just Thoughts

2004-05-18T00:08:00.000-04:00

Welcome home TeEricka!

I had the chance to finally show my girl Tee a nice little spot where I like to get away and unwind. At first, I was really nervous that she wouldn't like the place because we have totally different taste in what we call fun. Every thing turned out well and we really enjoyed our time together and I even got a chance to show her the little skills I picked up in playing pool. My opponent (a male with more skills) had four balls left on the table but I scratched on my eightball and lost the game. The look on the guys' face, when I was kicking his butt, was enough for me and I didn't need the win.
I had a really nice time and enjoyed being out on the town with my friend for the first time in years. And she better know that I love her cause I went out wearing my "Big Black Boot" that protects my broken foot.

Okay so my Miami Heat failed to win on the road again, but I haven't lost faith. They have another chance to prove themselves in a must win game. I still have faith in you guys so don't let me down.

Overall, things are going okay and I'm in search for a summer gig because school will be out in two weeks and there is no summer school. So I have to make some quick moves, so bills won't get to far behind.
My options are limited due to my foot but I'm not going to let it stop me. I really need a night job because I have to go to therapy during the day and I don't think a day job will allow me to be out that often. So I will continue to pray and let God have his way, because I know that he will make a way.

So continue to be blessed and thanks for stopping by!

One

DA BAND is OVER ...

2004-05-13T23:37:00.000-04:00

This cannot be true. This is hard news for a real fan as myself. All my hard work of watching them from the very begining, being sure not to miss an episode and buying the Cd, pumping the music from my car speakers. This is pain. Tears were in my eyes as I watched Sean "STUFFY" Combs tell them(us) it was over. He was trully thinking of only himself when he came up with this decision. He used us with this show, spreading false dreams and hopes to us as fans. See he has warned us before but we did take heed when he rapped "It's All About The Benjamins Baby". He used us like a twisted mate, who screwed us with a old condom and then it broke. We got laid but he got Paid!!

Maybe no one feels me but I surround myself with music! I buy Cd's every Tuesday (when the funds are sufficient) and I'm pro artist, meaning you will rarely find me with a bootleg copy of a Cd. And this is the thanks I get. Be for real, they could have a least given us a second album, and allow us decide if we are to continue to support. But they took that away and made Da Band a one hit record wonder.

"THAT SUCKS"!!!!

Okay so now I have to deal with Da Band being dismantled and with LaToya London being voted off American Idol.

DAMN!! DAMN!! DAMN!!

And they say our votes count...I voted for the first time on American Idol and my vote didn't count (none of them). So why should I think that it will count in a Presidential Election especially living in Florida where they make the vote for you.

I'm a little pissed off with this reality shows right now but at least I still have my Heat! Other than having my daughter with me, the Heat is the reason I have been waking up with a smile. jk

I'm just trippin right now but all in love and fun. I'll stop back by later but for now I have to get to bed, gotta get rest for work.
So be easy until the next update.

Lady T

That's "MY FRIEND"!!!

2004-05-12T20:54:00.000-04:00

I get to brag all week long and forever more about "MY FRIEND" Miss T!
Yes my girl TeEricka got her first article in the infamous Miami Times. A local independent paper ran in Miami Dade county. Instead of me telling you all about it I think you should check it out yourself. She has it posted on her blog and I have a direct link from my page, so click on Share My World and experience an article of a life time.
Tee words alone can't express how happy I am for you. Thanks for being a wonderful friend and inspiration. May God continue you to bless you and your career!

So back to my little life!

I haven't expressed much about what I have been feeling inside about my boyfriend on my blog because of my own personal reasons. What I will share is that... I decided that I will no longer struggle with what I have been holding inside.

See my boyfriend, so far, is everything that i have been looking for in a man and that make me think of that old saying "to good to be true". I'm not used to a man that works so much. I am lucky if he gets one day off a week and then sometimes he still goes in. And he works double shifts. Basically I just have to much time on my hands and he doesn't have enough. I can't verify the times in which he gets off in the late hours because we don't live together or that near. So "I MUST TRUST"!!! Trusting is hard for me to do. I am the nice girl that gives her all to everyone around believing that everyone deserves a chance to be trusted. Well I'm tired of being walked over and used. So now with my new outlook on things and trust, my boyfiend has to earn before its given! I feel bad that I'm doing this because like I said he has done nothing to deserve this. He knows that things bother me but he really doesn't know what.

I struggle with this personally because I need to grow. I don't want what I'm feeling in the inside to affect our relationship because I trully enjoy having him in my life. I'm just spoiled and want more time. So my prayer is that God move in my life and in my heart and heal me from this insecurity.

If anyone can relate and can share, please drop a note, I'm open to suggestions!

Hey the Heat game is on right now and American Idol! So I must return to my favorite spot... on the couch in front of the television!

One Love and Let's Go Heat!! let's go Dywane Wade!!

GO HEAT!!

2004-05-11T21:47:00.000-04:00

WOW!

Is the only word that can describe Dwyane Wade! My ROOKIE of the YEAR!
Isn't he the greatest and the most handsome young man! I think I have found my new "HUBBY", but don't tell my boyfriend. The Heat truly made me a happy woman and very proud to be a fan! No matter what though, they will always be my team. Im not a band-wagon fan, Im "true" all season long, year after year! So good luck fellas and much love from your #1 fan!

LET'S GOT HEAT!! LET'S GO HEAT!! LET'S GO HEAT!! LET'S GO HEAT!!

My mother is home and so is my little one, who came back sick! My poor babys' tummy was hurting and she has a burning fever. So of course I missed a day of work to stay home and be a good mother. She is the sweetest thing when she is sick or sleeping. To bad she isn't this calm all the time! Hopefully I can return to work in the morning, so I'll keep my fingers crossed!

Since the New Year has started, I have really been able to relax. For some reason it wasn't my time to graduate. I started internship about three weeks late, then two weeks into my internship I broke my foot. And trully I was on the edge of a burn-out. I worked full time, tutored part time and went to school full time. And to top that off I still had to struggle and be a full time, single mom. I can also say that I was a full time friend! I did everything I was asked of as a friend and was there no matter what.

I think being a friend is one of my best qualities and from a recent girls night out I realized that even though I may not talk to or see my friends every week, my friendship does not go unnoticed. It was one little comment made that night, that made me realize that! I love my friends hard, more like they are my family. My prayer is that everyone can encounter friends like I have and be blessed. And that they too can be a good friend in return.

Thank you God for blessing me with my heart of caring and kindness. And even though friendships get rough and are tested, you have not let my heart be troubled or changed. At times I wished that I wasn't this way but I allowed to move in my life and you took care of my problems.
I am forever grateful and humble.
Your child,
Lady T

Until I grace this place again, be easy and leave me a note to let me know that you have been by.
One

Thoughts...

2004-05-10T11:23:00.000-04:00

So it's the day after Mother's Day and I home chillin about to do some last minute shopping trying to find my mother a gift. She took a trip so it gave me a little more time to get some money and find a special treat.
My day was another blessed day of resting. I went nowhere, I sat home and recieved calls from my faithful friends wishing me a happy day. Thank God for friends and a few family members, and I mean a few. Its funny that my friends are there for me more than my own family. But I'm used to it.
I treated myself to "Captain Crabs"!!! Fried conch and parsley potatoes, large lemonade and a slice of strawberry cheesecake. A dinner fit for a loving, lonely mother. I ate everything but the cheesecake. I ate so much I couldn't even move and that's just how I wanted it. Since I didn't have anywhere to go or no one to hang with I needed an excuse, so I stuffed myself so even if I did want to go somewhere I couldn't. It worked! My day was complete and over. Now I can look to next year expecting it will be better. But don't get me wrong I enjoyed my peace but since my foot has been broke I'm pretty rested so I wouldn't have mind a busy but fun day.

Am I turning into a computer freak/couch potatoe. I'm taking steps now but I still choose not to go many places. I only like being places where it's not to many people and place where I can be relaxed. Everywhere I go people are staring or asking to many questions. I don't need the stress! I am content being home watching televison, reading a book, or watching the same cartoons over and over with my daughter. She needs a friend! Since there is no other sibling to play with her that means I'm her best friend. So I'm back playing with dolls and trying to untangle a mess of doll hair which she calls a braid. Every time I hide a comb she finds another one and lets not even talk about hair products, hair gel and oil sheen every where. Calgon, take me away!!

So the Miami Heat has lost two games and they have another playoff game tonight. They need to pull a win off so they can stay in the race. Its a long shot because they are playing a really good team but anything can happen in the world of sports. So to all you basketball fans...

LET'S GO HEAT!! LET'S GO HEAT!! LET'S GO HEAT!! LET'S GO HEAT!!

So until I grace this place again,
BE EASY

It's been to long...

2004-05-08T19:08:00.000-04:00

I'm finally back!
My computer went a-wall on me for the past few days and I thought I was gonna loose my mind. Well I don't even know where to start. So here goes!

My mom is out of town and for my mother's day gift she took my daughter with her. PARTY OVER HERE!
Everything is all good with me and my BF. We spent the entire day together just talking and watching dvd's. These are the times that I treasure the most because I get be close and personal. Times like this, is when we grow closer and learn more about each other. I have a hard time trusting anyone right now, so it takes away from the relationship. I've been in and saw a lot on the relationship tip and I don't want or need to fall victim again. I like being in my safety zone. So I can enjoy being a girlfriend but still less affected if it doesn't work!

My cousin Bam is home for the summer and she has been a great help to me. She drives me around and makes sure that I have everything I need to make it through my day! It's been fun having her around because it's more like having a little sister around whose all grown up. Thanks for being here Bam!

Mother's Day is a few a hours away and its another year of knowing that I'm not appreciated by my little one's pappy. My mom does what she can to make me feel okay but it's not the same, but very much appreciated. Will I ever get past this feeling haunt me for many years to come? Plans for Mother's Day, zero! Just another day and my baby aint home. So a lonely Mother's Day for me. I don't expect much from my BF because I don't have a kid from him and right now he has no fatherly roles in my daughter's life. He has made comments, like I have something to look forward to but I don't expect more than a card. We can't go out because he has to work. I guess I'll let you know what happens.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all mothers reading this and I pray that you will be blessed through your child and that you live to see many more!
One love!
Lady Thickness

I made it...

2004-05-03T19:00:00.000-04:00

Today was my first day back to work in weeks and I made it!
You know, some people irritate me with their stupid questions. "Is your foot still messed up?" If you see a person with a Big Black Boot on the foot that they broke, then obviously, there is something still wrong, because that Big Black Boot isn't the norm. Why can't people simply wish me well and leave me the Hell alone. I'm sick and tired of answering the same questions over and over again. If I don't offer the information, then don't ask. And the dumbest question of all is "When is it going to get better?" And my reply is (with my eyes rollin)..."When God is ready and he heals it!" Please people no more questions cause once my foot is healed I won't have a voice to talk. I already have to deal everyday I don't need the added reminders. Show compassion and leave me alone.

After work I headed straight for the daycare and picked up lil'Thickness! And after a long day of keeping my cool, my own baby almost made me loose it all in thirty minutes. See it's raining and thundering real bad so that means quiet time while God does his work. But nnnooo, this little monster doesn't understand and catches a fit when she can't go out and play. And to top it off she elbowed me in my broke foot. Just the thought of this lil girl makes my head hurt but I still love her.

Well I'm so sleepy right now, I know I want have any problems sleeping tonight. I'm doing everything to keep myself from falling asleep. If I can last until nine that will be great. Maybe I can catch up with my BF later tonight. That will be a great reason to stay up.
I'll let you know how that goes! So until my heart graces the page, Be Easy!
One

Once again it's on...

2004-05-02T21:57:00.000-04:00

I'm back! Well today was another Sunday in the house maxin and relaxin. My BF had to work today, so there goes another weekend without my boo. He's a work-a-holic and I won't complain. We are both in positions where we are trying to reach personal goals. Once we get to where want to be on a personal level then we can and will be better partners to each other.

It's back to work for me! Since I broke my foot, I have limited ability to be up and about on my feet. I work with kids so I have to be able to move and keep up with my students. So I took a break and I have been surviving off my savings. But with all the doctor visits and bills, the money went double time. It hurts but a woman has to do what a woman has to do. So no more late nights with my computer and no more sleeping during the day. The thought alone brings tears to my eyes.

DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

Okay so I need to go to bed early so I will stare at this computer until my eyes hurts. I'll do a few jigsaw puzzles to add to the pain. So stayed tuned because I should have a great story about my first day back to work. But here's something to think on....I'm already taking Friday off!
One

WHAAATTT!!!! OKAAYYY!!!

2004-05-02T03:01:00.000-04:00

Yeah it's three in the morning and I'm writing on this blog but what can I say... It's addictive. Of course its all TeEricka's fault cause she is the one that has me up this time of morning tweeking my page. But it's all good.

Today actually turned out well. I didn't eat a large portion of baked beans and enjoyed spending time with my crazy family. Dasi is from Orlando and she came down for a quick visit. I get to spend time with GodDaughter when Dasi comes home. SO, you would think that Big Red would give us some privacy and let us get some girl talk in over a chilled green apple Smirnoff and some late night cable. But no, that chick won't budge hogging the couch and man handling the remote. It's all good though I'll get her back, I know just how to get under her skin.

lil'Thickness got me tonight too. I went in her room to check on her and she done pissed in the bed and she had the nerve to be wrapped in my favorite and only decent quilt. Now I gotta suffer a restless night without my blanky. Now aint that a flip. So, until I recover from this night...be easy!
One

The day I was supposed to graduate...

2004-05-01T14:01:00.000-04:00

Well here I am looking at this computer screen when I should be at Florida Memorial's graduation. And when I thought my day would be okay my BF calls and says that he won't be over till later becuase he is going to support his Frat brothers that are graduating. So here I am, trying not to cry and get through the day without him here.

See this is the deal, this was my last semester and I was on my internship and some how, I broke my foot. I have been holding up pretty well during these trying months until reality set in and graduation day got closer. I have worked so hard to get to this one point and just so easily it was pushed further away. I don't doubt that this happened to me for a reason and that there will be good out of this situation, but that doesn't stop the pain. And what hurts the worst is how everyone around me brushes it off so easily by saying "Your day is coming" or "Don't worry, things happen for a reason". HELL, I already know that!
I guess I'm the only one who sees how bad this hurts. They don't know my story, my stuggle, my heart or my fears. Whats the use of planning your life when it never comes out the way you planned. Good endings only happen in books and sometimes they aint all that either. I know I sound bitter and hostile but WHO WOULDN'T!!!

I have to give my girl TeEricka a shot-out for hooking my page up. Girl you made this day worth starting. My family is having another cookout today, so I plan on eating my troubles away, getting so full that I can't do nothing but sleep. Hopefully when I wake up "Graduation Day" will be over and I can start all over again waiting for another one.

Big Red (my mama) walking around here with her 'tude on. She gets like that when she cleans. I guess she mad at all the dirt... you never know with her. It's gonna be some gassy people around here cuase she cooked some baked beans. But those beans taste so good, it's worth the gas. Maybe it will keep a couple people out my face today (yelling...I got first dibs on the beans)!
Ya'll be easy until we grace this place again.
One!

I just got a call... Dasi's coming, Dasi's coming.... I guess my day won't be so bad after all. That means I won't be asking for heavy beans either. Maybe next time!!

Not so smart...

2004-04-30T20:07:00.000-04:00

I guess I'm not going to be the computer whiz I thought I was going to be but it was worth the try. So I got the comment thing in, on my own, but adding links is a new ball game. I guess I will be calling TeEricka to have her do it for me. So here's a little peek of upcoming topics from my heart. MY MOTHER!! She is off the chain tonight cuz her boyfriend has Friday nights off. And to celebrate he brought her a bottle of Alize. Unable to control her excitement she "cheers" her glass with my head and when a little wastes on me its my fault cuz I jumped. She acting like a little girl with her first puppy love. SHE DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT. I don't know what I'm gonna do with this chick. Well if you continue to grace my page you begin to know and learn a whole lot about her.

Oh and if you are wondering who TeEricka is she is my bestfriend from highschool and it was her idea for me to get this page started.
Until next time.
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My New Boo and his name is Blog

2004-04-30T17:53:00.000-04:00

Virgin to the Blog and just got my cherry bust. Wow, I never thought it would feel this good. I hope to touch you some days and others days make you laugh, cry or just understand my heart. Always be ready for the unexpected because I never know what's gonna come out of my mouth next. Until your eyes meet my page again, be blessed.
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